A new year...

2010.

A new decade. A new year. A new you.

NEW, NEW, NEW.

What is our obsession with new? And must we rid ourselves of all old, just forget about it? And why do we decide this, think about it on the eve of a new year more than the rest?

As we pass the first week of the new year, a passage has been stuck in my head...

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.
See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you."
Isaiah 60:1-2

To arise means you are starting at a place of having been knocked down. This means acceptance of the face that something has dropped you to your knees, maybe even thrown you down face first. To be face down in the dirt grants you an awareness of the fact that you are dirty, that others are “cleaner” than you. Those that do not get knocked down in this area that has beaten you have a stronger sense of how to stand strong. As we look up at those who are standing around us, we have to wonder what made me lose my footing? Where did my grasp slip? Was I holding onto something that I shouldn’t have? Was I standing on a weak foundation? And how in the world do I climb up from this mess? I am laying here face first in the muck of my life and the idea of even taking one step scares me. What if I fail again? What if I hold on to the wrong thing or person again? How do I clean myself up from this? Can I clean myself up from this because it feels as if the dirt and muck have consumed every pore of my body, that it is oozing into my entire being.

The act of rising takes courage and faith. The act of rising is a recognition of the fact that we have failed miserably. It also means that because we have failed and fallen, we are most likely to stumble again. If it happened once, can it not happen again?

But there is something so earthy and real about clinging on to the Lord, of holding on to Him so tightly, and knowing that I, if left on my own, will most certainly fail. I am rotten, ignorant, selfish, judgmental, moody, and extremely emotional at times (sometimes more than others). Yet how deep the Father’s love is for us...that even as we lay before Him a rotten mess, He is showering us with love and grace. That by simply trusting that He is with us, will never leave us, and will always walk with us...we are made clean. By choosing to move forward, to rise up out of the ashes of our sin, a new day comes. To trust that God rises upon us...

Day after day I fail. As this new year arrived, this new decade, I felt overwhelmed with the media blasting how this is our chance to proclaim this “new me.” I became increasingly aware of the fact that as everyone seemed to be seeking to “recreate” themselves into a “new” person, I still struggled with sin. Some of it the same old thing, some of it new.

And over and over as I read this passage in Isaiah I realized just how BIG our God is. My God does not expect me to recreate myself. God does not expect me to “have it all together.” God does not expect me to succeed at everything, or even much at all on my own. For it is only by the grace of God that anything good comes of what I do. All God desires of me is to CHOOSE Him daily. Over and over again God desires me to “become new” by choosing to love and honor and obey Him. Just to see the depth of our sin alone takes courage and trust, faith to believe that God will pull you out of the muck of your sin. To believe more in the work God can do and is doing than my ability to keep myself from falling.

So, Happy NEW Year!!! Here’s to a new decade, a new year, and a new attitude that God is BIGGER than I ever imagined, and that life walking with Him can also be bigger and fuller than I ever thought!

Isn't it all about the journey?

I sat tonight reliving my college years, watching the Eastern women's team dominate DeSalles University in volleyball. They won the conference championship and I sat there thinking about my years playing, how at times now I wish I could be back in that moment. I wish at times that I could spend two hours each day practicing the game I love. I wish at times that I still had the opportunity to spend time with quality girls bonding in hotels and at tournaments. I wish that I still was under the wing of a few coaches and other mentors that were present during the college years.

Yet at the same time I sat there thinking those things I remembered that there is a season for everything...and that maybe it isn't so much about me wanting to relive those years as I want to relive those years and enjoy them for what they are. Rather than get so frustrated at times because of circumstances, always wanting more yet never able to really rest in the moment and accept it for what it was. Hindsight is always 20-20 right? Looking back I think I would be able to "relive" those years because of the perspective I have gained years later.

I want to relive those years because I want to live them embracing the hard work that it entails, to understand that while high expectations are for all, results are not always the same on the court. But working towards those high expectations is what matters, and what brings out the most in each individual. In turn, each person yields something unique and entirely necessary to the heart of a team.

So now I sit here contemplating life in this very moment.

How am I living it?

Am I walking with an awareness of the journey, embracing each step along the way? Recognizing suffering for what it is, searching for the lessons that God is teaching me, and seeking to honor Him along the way?

If I had to take a stab at it, I would say no. But although it isn't a new year...can this be my new "resolution?" After all, we never know what tomorrow brings, and as one of my first crew disciplers always said, "Wherever you are, be all there."